


Say what you want

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, F/M, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-09
Updated: 2009-02-09
Packaged: 2018-07-24 00:05:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7485153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're going to propose?" John asked. It sounded casual enough, but there was something in his eyes, now that his gaze flickered to Rodney, carefully as if he was afraid of... well, something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say what you want

**Author's Note:**

> Posted for McSheplets prompt #38: Together apart

"So you're taking a week of leave," John said, unnecessarily aligning the reports on his desk.

"Ten days," Rodney said, noting that John wasn't looking at him. "We're going to visit Jeannie and Jennifer's Dad, and then it's a couple of days by ourselves in a house at a beach for our anniversary."

John nodded. "Say hi to Jeannie, Kaleb, and Madison from me, will you?"

"Sure," Rodney said with a smile.

John played with the papers on his desk again. "You're going to propose?" he asked. It sounded casual enough, but there was something in his eyes, now that his gaze flickered to Rodney, carefully as if he was afraid of...well, something.

"Yes," Rodney simply said. He'd given up trying to figure John out a long time ago. Around their second year on Atlantis to be precise.

"That's great," John said, hesitating ever so slightly on the word great.

"Yeah," Rodney said. An awkward silence settled around them. They didn't talk about their relationships—or maybe that should be _Rodney's_ relationships because it wasn't as if John had ever had one. Or if he had, he hadn't told Rodney. "I'm gonna head back to the lab," Rodney said, pointing over his shoulder at the door.

John nodded.

Rodney turned and made his way to the door. When John called out his name, Rodney turned back around.

"I...uhm... Are you...going to stay on Atlantis?" John asked.

"What?" Rodney didn't understand.

"When you and Kel—Jennifer get married, are you planning to stay?"

"Of course," Rodney said.

"Oh, I was just... Well, you know, once you want to have kids— But maybe— I just thought... Forget it," John finished dismissively.

Now Rodney understood. "Oh, that... No. I mean yes. I mean, we haven't actually thought that far ahead. We've only talked about it to the extent that we both want kids, but we haven't started _planning_ or anything. But I suppose that once we do that..." He trailed off. He really _hadn't_ thought that far ahead. There was his current life on Atlantis with Jennifer at his side and the vague idea of seeing his kids graduate summa cum laude, but he hadn't given a whole lot of thought to the part in between.

"Yeah," John said, swallowing and looking away.

Rodney didn't know what to say. He didn't like the idea of leaving Atlantis and his friends, leaving _John_ , but truthfully it couldn't have ended any other way. Rodney wasn't one of the people who couldn't exist without a relationship, but he certainly preferred it to being alone, and now that he'd found someone with whom he could grow old, he was going to hold on to her, hoping it would last forever.

"I'll..." Rodney said, nodding towards the door and turning again.

"Rodney."

Rodney slowly turned back once more. He had no idea what it was that John was trying—and failing—to tell him. He looked at John, waiting for him to speak, but he only saw him struggle, eyes darting over the far end of the wall.

Eventually, John seemed to come to a decision. The frown between his eyebrows became more pronounced for a moment, then he turned to Rodney with something that was probably supposed to be a smile. "Good luck," he said.

Rodney was certain that this wasn't what John had called him back for—twice. "I don't think I'll need it in this case. She'll say yes. But thank you."

"You're welcome," John said.

Rodney was about to turn again, but there was something in John's face, maybe regret or sadness, that made him halt. Getting John to talk about his feelings was extremely difficult at the best of times, but in this case he seemed to _want_ to say something but couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe this was a good opportunity to encourage John to open up.

"What is it you really want to say?" Rodney asked.

John looked cornered for a second. "It's nothing."

"No, it's not. You want to say something, and I want you to know that you _can_ ," Rodney said. He was prepared for John to tell him that he'd miss Rodney. He was even prepared for John to tell him that Rodney would miss Atlantis. Hell, he was prepared for John to tell him that he shouldn't marry Jennifer because they weren't right for each other. John had never really warmed up to their relationship. Rodney could deal with that, and if John wanted to finally come out and actually _say_ what was on his mind, he'd deal with that too. He'd politely but firmly tell him that John was not the judge of what was right for him or Jennifer and that he appreciated his concern but wouldn't let it dictate his life. He _had_ actually thought about _that_ conversation.

"No, I can't," John said sadly.

"Why not?" Rodney asked.

"Because I promised you," John said in a tight voice, looking up at him.

Rodney blinked. It took several moments for him to process this and to understand what John was talking about. When he did, he still didn't quite believe it.

It had been five years, though it seemed like a lifetime ago, since they'd had that conversation. In the time that had gone by, Rodney had pushed it all so far in the back of his mind that he sometimes wasn't sure if those few months hadn't just been late night fantasies on his part. They'd never once talked about it, just as they had agreed. Until now.

"Why now?" Rodney asked.

John looked away for a moment before facing him again. "I don't want to lose you," he said.

Rodney didn't understand. "Lose me? You _sent me away_ five years ago. You told me that you couldn't do this and that _this_ ," he gestured between them, "that _I_ wasn't worth it."

John's eyes widened. "That _wasn't_ what I said. Rodney, you know that."

"You said it wasn't worth the risk. Those were your _exact_ words."

"You know what I _meant_ ," John insisted.

Rodney took a deep breath. He didn't want to fight with John over something that was so far in their past. He'd forgiven John. They'd stayed friends. But talking about it for the first time in five years reminded him of how he'd felt after John's rejection, and it was hard to ignore the pain and anger.

"I know exactly what you meant, and I don't see the need to bring it all up again. Your career was more important to you than our relationship. And I'm okay with that—at least now. So, let's just..." Rodney trailed off when he saw John's incredulous look.

"You think it was about my _career_?!" he asked.

"How else was I supposed to interpret 'God knows how many strings Elizabeth had to pull to get me promoted. You know they're looking for excuses to get rid of me.'?" Rodney recited John's words as well as he remembered.

"I would have been dishonorably discharged," John said.

"I know," Rodney said. He had no idea what point John was trying to make.

"They would have sent me _back_ ," John said more forcefully.

"I _know_ that. And I have since accepted that it was more important to you to stay than to be with me, that the mere risk..." Rodney stopped himself. He could feel the bitterness that he'd long left behind rising in him, and he didn't want that, especially not now when he had a real chance of happiness. "Let's not fight about this."

"Maybe it's high time that we fought about it. I thought you knew... I thought you were just angry because you disagreed," John said.

"I _was_ angry, and we _did_ disagree. But it's been five years, and I don't see the point—"

"You're wrong," John interrupted him.

Rodney scowled. "Oh, so now I'm wrong too. Anything else I feel or felt? And I'm _not_ wrong. We were together for _five months_ , and when we came back from Earth and you had your precious new rank, you _dumped_ me and told me to pretend we'd never been more than friends. Just like that," he snapped his fingers, "it was as if it had never happened."

" _You_ wanted us to never talk about it," John said.

"I didn't want you to _come_ to me when you felt like it. I'm sorry that my feelings were so inconvenient to you, but this wasn't a buddy fuck for me. It was bad enough to have you trample on my feelings once. I wouldn't have put up with it again and again, so _yes_ , I _wanted_ us not to revisit it."

"That's what you think?" John asked. "You think it was a convenient buddy fuck for me and once we established contact with Earth, I didn't want to risk my career for some meaningless sex?"

Rodney looked away. He didn't really think that the sex had been meaningless for John. Not now and not back then. He had thought that what they'd had was special. He had thought that he'd finally found what he'd been looking for. And that had made it so much harder to accept that John hadn't thought it was worth the risk. "Not meaningless," he conceded quietly. "It just didn't mean enough."

John looked at him, then his gaze dropped. "It meant _everything_ ," he eventually said, barely above a whisper.

He still wasn't looking up, and Rodney moved to the desk to stand beside him. "What do you mean?"

John turned his face up towards Rodney. "I didn't want to lose you," he said. "I _never_ wanted to lose you. Not now, not then. They would have made me _leave_ you, Rodney."

It took a moment for John's words to sink in. "The risk... The risk was _losing me_?" Rodney asked, unable to believe it.

"They would have found out, and they would have sent me back to Earth. And I couldn't have asked you to come with me," John explained.

"Why the hell not?" Rodney asked, because remembering the pain, remembering how he'd felt, he couldn't imagine not following John back to Earth.

John gave him a look. "It was only five months. And this is _Atlantis_. How could I have asked you to give this up?"

"By just opening your mouth. God, I can't believe this. I thought that whatever it was for you wasn't enough. I thought that maybe you _wanted_ me, but you wanted to be Lieutenant Colonel and commanding officer of Atlantis _more_."

John dropped his head. "I never wanted anything as much as being close to you," he said.

"You didn't want to lose me," Rodney said, settling against John's desk.

John gave a bitter snort. "Maybe not my best plan."

"No, it was brilliant. Breaking up with me, thereby forcing me to date and as such doing the only thing—other than injury or death—that could possibly make me leave Atlantis. What did you think? That I'd never meet someone?" Rodney asked.

John gave him a quick look. "I think I hoped that what happened between us would always be there and that eventually the right moment would come when I'd feel confident that we'd stay together even if we were caught or when Don't Ask, Don't Tell would be repealed."

"We're almost there for the latter. As for the rest: I think it _was_ always there, but you wiped it all from the table when you ended it, so it was like...phantom pain from a limb that's been cut off. And I'm sorry, but to think that there'd _ever_ be the right moment that would make you talk about your feelings... I just don't see it. When you ended it, you _ended_ it. You must have known that. You can't have seriously thought we'd magically end up together again after you told me in no uncertain terms you couldn't do this. I didn't even think you'd remember us let alone think about it."

"I did," John said, looking up at Rodney.

"I know that now. God, John. _Five years._ If you'd said something when I started dating Katie again. Or when we broke up. Or when I started to be interested in Jennifer."

"I know that it's too late," John said, voice resigned. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, you _should_ have," Rodney corrected with a bit more heat than he intended. "You should have said what you _meant_ five years ago. Then I could have told you that you're an idiot, and we could be having our five year anniversary now instead of... What am I supposed to do now?"

John frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I can't just pretend that this conversation never happened. Just like I couldn't back then. It took a while not to think about how good we were together. We were good together, weren't we? I mean it was only five months, but they were good, weren't they?"

"Rodney," John began. "I'm not asking you—"

"Of _course_ you're not!" Rodney shouted. "You're never asking for _anything_. You leave it up to us to figure out what you want."

"I don't want _anything_ ," John said stubbornly.

"You don't? If the SGC replaced you today, you wouldn't care? If they sent Teyla and Ronon away, you'd be okay with that?" John made a face, but Rodney continued. "And if I told you I'd leave Jennifer for you, you wouldn't _want_ me?"

John looked at him sharply. "You wouldn't do that," he said.

"How do you know that when even _I_ don't know?" Rodney asked him.

"You love her," John said, eyes narrowed.

"I do. But I love you too. Pretending that nothing ever happened between us didn't change that. I've never stopped loving you. And I can't pick a ring for Jennifer now and pretend not to know that you...have feelings for me even if you still can't admit it."

"I do. I did," John said defensively.

"'I don't want to lose you.'?" Rodney asked.

"Rodney. What do you want me—"

"To say?" Rodney finished for him. "How about the truth? Not what you think you can ask for or what you can expect or whatever it is that makes you not say what you mean. Just tell me what you want, John. Just this once."

John averted his gaze, then he took a deep breath, got up and stood in front of Rodney, towering over him since Rodney was still half-sitting on the desk. "I want...the impossible." Before Rodney could protest, John continued. "I want you. I want to _be_ with you. I want to live with you and not hide it and I want to stay on Atlantis and I want us to stay on the same team. I want us both to be happy and I want us to live and grow old together and then die together."

Rodney looked up at John. Some of what he'd said _was_ impossible, but what really mattered was to hear John say it. Rodney had thought he knew what John wanted and how he felt, but it was still different to hear him say it with such conviction. It was almost too much, because looking up at John it seemed impossible to deny him, especially since he didn't really want to deny him.

John took a step towards Rodney, crowding his personal space until Rodney had to lean backwards to still be able to see him.

"I love you," John said and leaned forward towards Rodney. Their lips were nearly touching when Rodney turned away his face and moved a step to the side, putting some distance between them.

John looked at him, frowning. Then he took back a step himself. "I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."

"No. It's okay. I just... I can't do this. I'm with Jennifer, and I can't...do this when I'm with her."

John's jaw clenched as he watched Rodney. "Then why did you—"

"I needed to know," Rodney said. "I have to know what my choices are."

John seemed to take that in. "Okay," he said, though he didn't sound happy.

Rodney nodded. He needed to be alone now, and he needed time to think. 

He'd have to make the hardest decision of his life, one that would inevitably hurt someone he loved and would cause loss and regret. It wouldn't have been necessary if John had told him how he felt five years ago, and he couldn't help the resentment that he felt towards John for that. But at the same time he couldn't bring himself to regret that John had said something. It might have been the worst timing possible—except maybe a dramatic scene at the altar—but Rodney was glad to finally know and understand.

He'd thought he'd left it all behind him a long time ago. Five months, five years ago, never talked about, hardly thought about. It had hurt him back then on several levels, but he'd learned to be content with John's friendship. It had become nothing but a fading memory, but the thought that John had chosen career or Atlantis over him must have nagged on him more than he thought, because he felt a relief and satisfaction now that was too strong for something that didn't matter to him. He'd never been happier to be proven wrong, but at the same time he couldn't reconcile his feelings for John and the memories that were now resurfacing with his relationship with Jennifer.

It was the wrong time and maybe the wrong life. He wished he could jump through a quantum mirror and ask his various other selves what they'd done and if they'd regretted it. How could he give up the woman he loved, the promise of a family? How could he give up the man he loved, the best friend he'd ever had? They could both be incredibly stubborn. Jennifer could drive him nuts with her wish to make him a better person. And John had elevated non-communication to an art form. But both of them had made him happy when he'd been with them. Jennifer had made it through almost a year with him. John had only had five months but in some ways it had been six years.

Either choice he made could turn out disastrous or wonderful. There was no right or wrong decision he could make. But that didn't make it one bit easier.

He reached out to open the door, uncertain where even to begin making his choice.

"Rodney."

Rodney snorted and turned around once again.

John gave him a long look. "What do _you_ want?"

"I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out," Rodney said easily, turning and opening the door.

**Author's Note:**

> IIRC, ozsaur once said that it was hard to believe that John and Rodney are attracted to each other, but never acted on it in all those years. Watching season 5, I've been thinking that some of the things on the show, in particular the opening scene of "Tracker", would make more sense if there had been more than just unspoken attraction between John and Rodney. This is the result of taking this thought further.
> 
> I've actually written this in mid-January, but haven't posted it because I thought I'd wait until I write a sequel. However, it fits this challenge and I'm not really sure if I could write a satisfactory sequel. I wanted to call it "It won't change my mind", since "Say what you want" by Texas gave me the title idea, but having Rodney choose Jennifer and John fight for him didn't quite work out. Suffice it to say, it ends up John/Rodney in my mind, no matter how long it takes for them to get there.


End file.
